CRUNCH TIME, Day 12

Oooh! This gets HARDER every time, my goodness gracious!

Tonight was especially rough at work. We were a wee bit short at the restaurant this evening, which is extra brutal for everyone, but also busy--aka cortisol levels are spiking.

So you know, I had a glass of wine afterwards to lower those babies back down.

BAD IDEA. Very, very bad idea.

As soon as that alcohol hit my bloodstream, I immediately wanted a cigarette. And my resistance was out the window.

I called Paul, who talked me down from smoking. Calling other people who want you to quit is crucial and really, really helps.

Because when you are so desperate that you are contemplating lighting a butt out of the ashtray? It's disgusting. Amazingly filthy. That's not a rational agent in control of their decision-making process. Because no rational person would choose that action. That's an addict. Paul told me about heroin addicts who shoot up other addicts' blood in an effort to get high when they run out of dope.

That's kinda what I feel like. The addiction is wearing down my resolve, and my endlessly creative and imaginative mind is coming up with every reason to smoke (the world is probably coming to an end long before I die of old age, etc.) and diminishing the weight of the reasons not to (I can probably smoke 1 a day for the rest of my life and be just fine).

I've been surprised by how many people have been reading the blog, and I really appreciate your support. It makes it easier for me, knowing that there's a whole crew out there rooting for me to succeed.

Ultimately, you are the reason I'm quitting. Every time I falter, I imagine telling you all that I am going to die because of smoking. That's really the only rope keeping me aloft right now.

Is it sad that I'm not doing this for myself?