Friday, July 2, 2010

Days 1 and 2

I smoked my last cigarette around 10pm on June 30, despite the fact that I didn't really want one at the time and was sick to boot. I woke up practically dying on July 1st, and that's when I knew that I didn't want to feel that way anymore, damnit. I'm too much of a health freak for this hogwash.

Once again, I find myself staring down the lonely abyss without nicotine. I know that it's a long, hard road from here without that little glow by my side.

I love nicotine. I love smoking. I love everything about it, from the way it tastes to the way it feels burning down my throat to the effects on my body to how intimately it is bound with the writing process for me.

I have written of its seductive beauty before, during previous quit attempts. I don't know that non-addicts really understand what it is like to give it up.

I started young. So, for starters, the drug is hardwired permanently into my brain. I am and always will be addicted. Science has proven that if I even take so much as one hit, it can undo years of resisting.

More than that, though, cigarettes are a part of my identity. Nicotine is an insidious drug, reaching its spidery tentacles throughout the very core and substance of my being. I'm not just giving up using a drug. I'm murdering part of myself, and it's like cutting off my right hand. It physically hurts. I feel abandoned and alone, like my best friend is no longer there for me.

Go ahead and break the habit. Banish it from your day to day. But just wait until something bad happens, some stressor or haunting spectre of the past. You'll reach for that pack quicker than lightning, because it is part of your coping mechanism.

Or, you'll start to get cocky. You'll think that just because you haven't smoked in 6 weeks/months/years that you have beaten your addiction. You can have one. Just one. You're drinking a cocktail, after all, and it is warm outside and everyone around you is lighting up. It's just a social thing. You're not really an addict.

These have been my failures in the past. Weakness of the addiction, an emotional stressor, or overconfidence.

I am incredibly sick with bronchitis right now, so it is really the perfect time to quit. Day 1 passed relatively easily in a haze of medicine and hot tea.

Day 2 is a little anxious and nail-biting thus far. I am feeling better, so I feel like I actually want one. I'm chewing gum and drinking lots of coffee and feel a bit...edgy. I'm going to a movie with non-smokers tonight, which should be enough to keep me from faltering.

I know that scientifically speaking, after 48 hours I have annihilated the physical addiction and that it's a mental game from here on out. I know I can make it the first 48. It's the mental game that messes with you. Nicotine is not just a physical addiction. As bad as that aspect is--and believe you me, I am as sharp as a Samurai sword right now--for me it's the psychological addiction that is the really inescapable one.

I bought myself a reward online for quitting today. It's a stunningly beautiful summery silk floral dress by Tracy Reese and should arrive around the end of Week 1. I have my eye on another dress as well; if I make it through the month of July then I will buy that one, too.

Days 3 through 5 are always the hardest for me. If I can make it through this weekend, it will be downhill from there. There will be obstacles thrown in my path, but the worst will be over. The overwhelming urge to smoke can be counteracted by rational thought once I'm through the crucible of the first week. Right now though, that's not so much the case. Sometimes the urges hijack the rationality train.

The plan:

Hang out with my nonsmoker friends and avoid the smokers.
Chew gum like my name is Violet Beauregard. Desperately seek out more of this delicious V6 jasmine gum.
Work out hard every day to flex my new lungs and feel the power grow in my body.
Practice yoga daily to strengthen my mental game.
Avoid alcohol.
Keep myself busy with lots of little tasks.
Keep this blog as a quit journal.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Jen - Congratulations and good luck! I just made it through week 3 without cigarettes...it still sucks. I hope the bronchitis goes away and you start feeling better soon.

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