Friday, July 9, 2010

Days 7 and 8: C is for COOKIE

Day 7 passed in a haze of sugar and caffeine. I call it the "eat a cookie every time I want a cigarette" day. Result: I ate NO REAL FOOD except 2 bowls of strawberries and the crusts off a pastrami sandwich. I was a very, very naughty quitter. I was literally hopping from one foot to the other at work, and bouncing up and down singing Katy Perry's "California Gurls" at full volume.

Note to all of you intending to quit: do not replace nicotine with sugar. Just don't do it. It's not healthy.

So, apparently I had a lot of cravings yesterday. I was "waiting" to smoke. It was bad. My body was primed. It kept expecting one, and I kept having to eat cookies. I think maybe the sugar high made the nicotine cravings even worse. It was a vicious spin cycle of cookies and cravings, and my tummy was not too happy when I went to bed last night.

Today is Day 8. At least I ate real, healthful food: lentil soup for breakfast, salad for lunch, and berries for dinner. No cookies, because I ate EVERY SINGLE LAST ONE yesterday.

The cravings were still pretty bad, but only near the end of the night at work. I REALLY started to get antsy. There is nothing more pleasurable after an eight hour shift waiting tables than smoking a cigarette. Today was a long night, which is why I think the cravings were so bad. Usually, on banquet nights (which are most nights for me) it's much more chill. I had to chew a piece of my super special V6 jasmine gum to stop myself from smoking. Especially since I had to watch all my coworkers go outside and smoke.

However, the cravings are nowhere near as powerful as Day 3. Day 3 was definitely the worst thus far. These cravings are much more manageable. I want one, but I have been able to reason with myself. I'm avoiding alcohol, since I know that rationality will evanesce off into the ether if I drink.

I'm definitely starting to second-guess the quitting now. Like, do I really want to quit? Is it really so bad if I just keep smoking? What if I just smoke for another year and then quit? Would it affect my health? Every time I start to go down this path I imagine that I am, in fact, dying of cancer. What it would be like, to tell my family and friends that I'm leaving forever because I loved a drug more than I loved my own life. Putting my affairs in order, and realizing all the things that I have yet to accomplish. Just how precious time is, and how much has been wasted on the trivia. Yeah, yeah, I definitely need to quit.

Also, I don't want to be an addict. I don't want to be addicted to anything. I want to be strong and beautiful and free. I especially don't want to be enslaved to an evil industry that exists solely to help its victims slowly commit suicide. I want to grow old and weathered with dignity. I don't want to die young, with dank hair and sallow skin, yellow teeth and a tracheotomy.

I know I shouldn't need rewards, but it helps. I can justify a little materialistic retail therapy.

Bad news on the Tracy Reese dress. It arrived, but it's damaged. I won't be able to wear it on my birthday, so I'm sending it back. I'm very sad about it. I guess that's just reason to buy a different one! I definitely deserve a reward for making it through the first week (and hey, I've saved enough on not buying cigarettes!)

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